Answers to a Prayer

Mr. God,
Me instead?
Thank you.
No seriously- no sarcasm.
I'm young and tough
and it does not scare me.
This is simple and early
and will be taken care of.
Thank you for putting it
somewhere else.
I CAN like so many other woman
Beat the odds.
Leave my daddy, my family alone.
I'm a fighter
damnit
and I can do it.
Thank you.

Mom, Dad

Mom, Dad- I'm Sorry.

I'm not supposed to be where I am.

Mom, Dad- I'm Sorry.

I snuggle my baby boy

My breast no longer nourishes him

I feed him his milk from a cup

He's full now but is that enough?

Mom, Dad- I'm Sorry.

I cannot make it on my own.

Mom, Dad- I'm Sorry.

You raised me right,

You did your best.

What happens next

We can only guess.

My daughter cries

In the middle of the night.

I pick her up,

I hold her tight.

She throws up

And I clean up.

Mom, Dad- I'm sorry.

My life is in distress

And I am a mess

Does it hurt you

I can only guess?

I told you news

Maybe I should have kept to myself.

Words like these seem so final

But I promise you guys

I will take care of us.

Mom, Dad- I'm sorry.

I need your help

Can't do this alone

The word is scary

and my life is hairy

I thought I had it all taken care of

But I know now

I am not where I am

Supposed to be

No don't whoas me!

Mom, Dad- I'm sorry.

I'll take care of this I promise.

Three babies depend on me and

You raised me to be a strong woman

That I'll be

I'll give back to you

What else can I promise you?

Oh, no.

Words.

Words are just words.

But for real.

Mom, Dad- I'm sorry.

Stage 0 isn't the end

I'm so lucky I still have friends

They will be there

Even if it is not fair

to them.

It'll all be over soon

I'll be back to my old moon.

Mom, Dad- I'm sorry.

Thirty-One and three kids later.

I should be better able

But I'm not and I have done my best

What happens next

Is only a guess.

Mom, Dad- Thank you.

Baby cries

I might sigh

It might sound mean

When I scream

I am only doing the best I can

With what I have

My three babies mean the world

For them I have taken more than I probably should

I want to be

a family

I want to be

free

My apron strings are loosening.

I told him all these things.

My little girl wakes up again.

I put her back to sleep once more.

I look back and then

Realize all the shut doors.

Mom, Dad- I'm sorry.

I am doing my best this time to do it right.

Won't give up without a fight.

You know I'm strong.

Never meant to do you wrong.

I could leave and do this on my own.

But you are my world and my home.

And so until you say

Otherwise

I'll be here

Surprise

Doing my best

No matter what others think

Mom, Dad- I'm sorry.

I hope I did not disappoint you.

I hope you are proud of me.

The things I do.

I hope you see.

But still.

Sometimes I think I should be more

and standing tough

On my own floor

and for that I say

Mom, Dad- I'm sorry.

I love you both

Hang in there tight.

We love you with all our might.

This isn't a silly rhyme to me

But something from reality.

Wish I was more than I am

But who you made me

DAMN

I know how proud, how you see

But for everything still,

Mom, Dad- I'm sorry.

Give me time

I'll make it right.

Eventually I will shine

Brighter than the moonlight.

Final Thought

Baa Baa Black Sheep Have You Any Wool?

Yes Ma'am, Yes Ma'am, Three Bags Full.


Is that what is over my eyes?

Heart

Come on and take a, take another little piece of my heart now baby
You know you got it,
Shit,
Cause it makes you feel good

Janis Joplin

Do you think that when a little part of you dies, your heart gets harder or softer?

Night Falls Fast

Night Falls Fast, yes it does Mrs. Jamison.

But dawn sometimes falls faster.

My stomach rumbles. My heart rattles. You all said you would be here with me, yet I am eerily alone.

Crickets twirp in the red sky that is supossed to be a black blanket to keep us cozy.

I sigh. There is no one awake to hear me. Shhhh. Don't wake them.

Everything is changing. Moving so fast. My mind spins. You call me crazy. You don't remember me crazy. None of you even know me anymore.

False accusations and cruel words. Are your intentions such or is life just that fucked up right now? The sickness. The pain. Yet we go on.

I come from a line of strong women and I too, am a strong woman. But sometimes, I cry. I cry until I shake. I used to turn down the lights as if that would make it less real and the next day I would say "I feel better after my good laugh" because I DID NOT CRY. But now I admit it, I cry. And you know what? I don't really feel any better.

Who is the final judge and why does everyone think they have the "in" on him? Who is to say what is right or wrong? What happened to support? Those closest to me have failed me in that way. Betrayed me with their put downs. Have I put you all down in some way without knowing? Have I disappointed you with my family and my dreams? Supporting your dreams was always a priority but I feel stepped on lately. Locked out of my own life.

My three year old screams in Terror. MOMMY. She shakes and cries and I hold her until she is calm. She can even feel my agnst tonight. I have failed her.

I want this dream, this store, this new life. I long for my old one where I had more time for boo boos and kisses and I cry again just thinking about it. We cannot have it all. I have always known that.

So many changes. So many mistakes and ambitions and failures. What is right and what is wrong and what happened to just being at someone's side through it all?

I have raised three kids alone and started a business in the last seven months all while my heart was breaking with so many, so many things. Am I that bad of a person? Do you guys really feel that way or are you just treating me that way because you don't want to look at your own life and disappointments?

One more question, Mr. God

So, I thank you. You answered my prayers and it is not the big C. That stupid doctor should have kept his mouth shut. He had no right to diagnose something like that from just an MRI when he is a back doctor. Not an oncologist.

And I thank all of you that have prayed.

But, God? One more question?

He is not doing well. When the Patriarch of such a large extended family is down, everyone kind of collapses beneath. Sure we work harder to compensate but our spirits are broken because his is.

What can I do God? That's my question. What can I, little me, do?

Dear God

Dear God,

We do not always agree you and I but I think we have a decent repertoire. Okay, so sometimes I yell at you and get angry. But I'm only human. And I don't ask for much. At least not material things. I pray for health and comfort and survival tactics. I have been poor and barely able to feed my kids for over a year and a half and I have not asked for things. Just survival.

I have not used a credit card in over two years. I almost lost my house, my husband, and more. But I did not ask you for any special favors.

I am asking you now.

You need to inform the doctors that they have made a GRAVE error. It is not CANCER. The mass is just due to the childhood tuberculosis and it can be taken care of and everything is okay.

My daddy will watch my children grow up. He will be at their college graduations and their weddings. This will bring joy to all of our lives.

You do not need him. Cancer does not need him. We do however and this is my request and prayer to you. Please fix this and make it okay. I will not give up. I take whatever you throw my way and live with the assumption it will make me stronger. But I will not lose my dad. Not now. No, not now.

My positive thinking will radiate around him tomorrow when he returns to the doctor and everything is going to be okay. Right God? You can do this favor for me, can't you? Whatever you need from me, whatever I can do to be a better person you can have.

You gave me three wonderful, beautiful (inside and out) children but this is not a barter. You cannot take my dad in return. Tell the doctors it was just an error and there is no cancer and I'll owe you big time.

Please God. I just want happiness and health for all those around me. I don't need meaningless shit, I need my family. He is my world and sunshine even at his most difficult. I am the closest to him and him to me and after all he has done for others in his lifetime please give him the chance to do more.

Give us all the chance.

Dear God, I pray to you. Please hear my prayers. Amen.

Top Ten Reasons Life is like a load of laundry

Life and Laundry have a lot in common.

1. It's never ending
2. Some stains come out and some leave their marks forever as reminders
3. No matter how often we work on it, there is always more to do
4. Washing it is easier than putting it away
5. It doesn't always fit right on a hanger and so it gets shoved in a drawer. In the back.
6. Again, there is always more to do even when you think you are finished.
7. It is impossible to put it all away all the time
8. It can be heavy at times and light at others
9. Everyone uses a different method, detergent, etc. yet the goal is the same.
10. It can be both euphoric and depressing simultaneously

My Mama Said

Mama said there would be days like this, there would be days like this my Mama said.

Shirelles

The uncertainty of each day is both what keeps us going and what keeps us from wanting to go. Swirling confusion can get in the way if we let it. People try and knock us down with their negativity and disrespect.

GOOD BYE

While others are Angels in our lives, guiding us and cheering us on. Believing in what we believe whether or not we are wearing our masks.

Each new day brings on new complications and new things to be proud of. It is so true that we learn something new every day. Sometimes it is good and sometimes it is not, but we do learn it if we open our eyes.

We cannot let the things that are bad get in the way of our dreams and our family. Washing the blood off someone elses hands (literally) brings us up to another level of being. In the next moment we can get brought down by ugly words. Don't let it get to you. Don't let it be a fallen tree in your path you cannot cross.

If something is in the way,

walk around it

jump over it

swim through it

plunge ahead

but never, never stop.

It is life's uncertainties of circumstance that makes us who we are. Every day we live a life only we can control. Even the things we cannot control, we control how we react even when we feel out of control.

Every night, the kids and I say the Serenity Prayer.

Dear God,

Please Grant Us the Serenity to Accept the Things we Cannot Change

The Courage to Change the Things we Can

And the Wisdom to Know the Difference

and we add in our blessings, thanks, or other prayers followed by our AMEN.

There is something out there that is bigger than all of us. Let's embrace it and hold our heads high even when our hearts are heavy for our hearts will not be heavy every day and we should give our thanks for each and every lesson and hardship so we become stronger, better human beings.

And we will succeed.

Call me crazy, but I never doubted for one minute that I would not succeed and look what is happening in spite of all the hardships I have endured- especially those in the past two years exactly.

There is days like this but there are also days like that.

Like I said, if God wanted us - he would have taken us by now. We must have some other purpose because damn it he won't let us go with him. Let's grab the here and now. Its hard sometimes, its easy others but its always there for the grabbing.

Sometimes I do want to go where everybody knows my name and sometimes I don't. I loved more than anything being a wife and a mother and staying home with my kids. I have to move to something new that also works. I can still be a wife and a mother and be good at all three if I want to.

It is all about me and that's alright.