Final Thought

Baa Baa Black Sheep Have You Any Wool?

Yes Ma'am, Yes Ma'am, Three Bags Full.


Is that what is over my eyes?

Heart

Come on and take a, take another little piece of my heart now baby
You know you got it,
Shit,
Cause it makes you feel good

Janis Joplin

Do you think that when a little part of you dies, your heart gets harder or softer?

Night Falls Fast

Night Falls Fast, yes it does Mrs. Jamison.

But dawn sometimes falls faster.

My stomach rumbles. My heart rattles. You all said you would be here with me, yet I am eerily alone.

Crickets twirp in the red sky that is supossed to be a black blanket to keep us cozy.

I sigh. There is no one awake to hear me. Shhhh. Don't wake them.

Everything is changing. Moving so fast. My mind spins. You call me crazy. You don't remember me crazy. None of you even know me anymore.

False accusations and cruel words. Are your intentions such or is life just that fucked up right now? The sickness. The pain. Yet we go on.

I come from a line of strong women and I too, am a strong woman. But sometimes, I cry. I cry until I shake. I used to turn down the lights as if that would make it less real and the next day I would say "I feel better after my good laugh" because I DID NOT CRY. But now I admit it, I cry. And you know what? I don't really feel any better.

Who is the final judge and why does everyone think they have the "in" on him? Who is to say what is right or wrong? What happened to support? Those closest to me have failed me in that way. Betrayed me with their put downs. Have I put you all down in some way without knowing? Have I disappointed you with my family and my dreams? Supporting your dreams was always a priority but I feel stepped on lately. Locked out of my own life.

My three year old screams in Terror. MOMMY. She shakes and cries and I hold her until she is calm. She can even feel my agnst tonight. I have failed her.

I want this dream, this store, this new life. I long for my old one where I had more time for boo boos and kisses and I cry again just thinking about it. We cannot have it all. I have always known that.

So many changes. So many mistakes and ambitions and failures. What is right and what is wrong and what happened to just being at someone's side through it all?

I have raised three kids alone and started a business in the last seven months all while my heart was breaking with so many, so many things. Am I that bad of a person? Do you guys really feel that way or are you just treating me that way because you don't want to look at your own life and disappointments?

One more question, Mr. God

So, I thank you. You answered my prayers and it is not the big C. That stupid doctor should have kept his mouth shut. He had no right to diagnose something like that from just an MRI when he is a back doctor. Not an oncologist.

And I thank all of you that have prayed.

But, God? One more question?

He is not doing well. When the Patriarch of such a large extended family is down, everyone kind of collapses beneath. Sure we work harder to compensate but our spirits are broken because his is.

What can I do God? That's my question. What can I, little me, do?