It Wasn't Me

It wasn't me talking the other day. Or now. I swear. Alter ego taketh over and here she goes!

The girls are at their dad's.

I hate saying that. There it is. I said it. I hate saying it.

It is raining and I am awake but refusing to do work or chores no matter how behind.

Yup, said that too.

Wish I could sleep. What will it take to get one to sleep sans nightmares? (Other than a new history which obviously isn't going to happen)

Ahhhhhhhhh

So much has been going on and I have been so far away from my writing place. Speaking of which, it is about time this girl gets published. SDFM contacted me and elated with joy I am awaiting the reply from the editor with the go-ahead for one of my ideas before I just go there and slip an article in their layout. Kidding. Seriously though, it is about time. I'm officially in my "thirties" now and DAMN I've been through enough to know I what I want and I want to follow my dreams.

I look around my partially empty house and shiver at past memories. I take a second look and only see a positive and fulfilling future. It is mine because I will work for it.

If I am really quiet for a moment, I can hear the tiny sounds of my not-so-baby-but-always-my-baby breathing in the other room. I get up and check on him occasionally and see the tiny curls frame his face. He sleeps with his mouth slightly open with his plump lower lip (oh how I am jealous- botox, restilin (sp?)- when the money comes I want you!!!) just like his daddy.

All three kids sleep in similar positions but so different. It is so amazing that these small people grew inside my body for thirty-seven weeks and now are real people that are going to grow up and contribute to the world in some fabulous way (because their souls will be raised to want to be fabulous and fabulous excretes from their pores).

T senses you are close to her and the moment you collapse into the cool sheets and pull up the blanket she is on you like butter on toast. Melting to your form and discontent with anything less than full coverage. She is almost as big as me, yet when she sleeps she is still a baby to me. I wonder when she is my age and I look at her asleep (if I am so lucky) if I will still see that same form- that baby in her always. Will I remember the way she leisurely nursed as if all my time was for her? I held her constantly, as this was her needs. She was slow to crawl, tentative to walk, but had no problem running. Her brain works fast. She takes in every detail and remembers everything. Quiet at first, she astonishes me with what comes out of her once she opens up. Even our little girls must grow up and we hope we are teaching her the best and being the role model we need to be. Baby, I tell her, don't rush to grow up. Enjoy this time. Enjoy your youth. It will never be this way again. She, as the oldest, as been through the most and seen too much and heard too much. Still she flourishes and we battle wits and I commend and respect her because she is HER.

Little L. Petite and tiny I almost forget she is a Big Girl now and not a baby. After a hard and terrible morning, she asked me to pick her up out of the car and carry her to the classroom as I dropped her off to preschool. She snuggled in like she was the only one and had my world in her hands. I kissed her tiny toes as I convinced her to change her shoes because of the rain. My fashion Diva has such a mind of her own when it comes to getting dressed. Did I battle my mom in such a way? Her outfit perfectly blended in a trendy way, mixing her hand-me-downs with her own clothes in the most fashionable of ways. She was set and ready and cried when I left for work. Tears fall from my eyes sometimes as I too am not quite adjusted to the full-time work/full-time mom thing when I always planned on staying home with my children.

But times change, situations change, economies even change and so we must too change with them and do it with a smile. I am proud of what I do. I know it will benefit them someday although I ache and ache to be back with them living every moment and being their number one. That is now lost and can never be returned. I know what I am doing is best for them, for me. But it still hurts as oftentimes change does.

Little L, the artist, wanted to "change" my bathroom. You know, in all the remodeling done to the house one of the last things on the list was the master bathroom and painting of the bedroom. So it has remained (like so many other things) unfinished for about two years now since the collapse of our "empire". Yes I said it out loud. We had a downfall. I'm still alive. I have learned so much. I can even talk about it. But that is another (long) story.

So, in a mere three minutes she pulled out a horrible Hunter Green paint and decoupage glue from my pre-kids days when I used to actually have talents including crafts and proceeded to paint the bathroom.

Her three minutes took me another two hours to fix (and of course, it will never be completely fixed until the cabinets and counter are refinished or replaced because I may be a mom but not a total miracle worker) and I followed that clean-up with a nice hot shower because really, there wasn't much else to do.

T's intelligence and L's creativity remind me of the biggest parts of me that I do not always now how to control. And so when they do certain things, I am OHSOMAD and ready to teach a lesson but deep down- shhhhh don't let them know yet- I get it.

Tiny D is growing and exploring and learning mischief from his sisters. He can climb from the floor to the chairs and get on the table and dance to the cartoon music. As much as this makes me want to laugh out loud, I know I must put it to a stop before I am cleaning baby brains up and I immediately reprimand him in the way one can discipline a one-year-old and pray he finds something less dangerous to discover. Or less disgusting than the toilet...

My last baby. I was so happy to get my tubes tied, so ready to say never again, I am done. But now that most of my cervix is, well, gone and all that other stuff I cannot have kids in any way ever again and a small (sick?) part of me is sad. I grieve.

I am in a state of excitement and grieving all at once over so many things. That is why I have not been writing. That is why tonight I am not writing well. My mind moves too fast. My body too slow. I don't know when it is appropriate to laugh and when to cry. This also will change with time (or meds) but for now, it is a day by day approach to taking it in and being real while still putting on the game face.

Yup, I said it. I put on the game face sometimes. And I hope I do it well. I hope most of you have no idea which is the real thing and which is the one for show.

I never want to be a downer. I never want to be "that girl" no matter what I go through. No matter what I survive (did you see my purple ribbon added on to the site? speaking of survival... it speaks for all cancers and domestic violence and is my favorite color. talk about having it all!).

I write tonight knowing I am saying things I normally would not.
I write tonight knowing I am not saying much at all.
I know by not saying much sometimes it says a lot.
These things I know to be true.
Like laughter and bubbles and nature's intentions.

I take a break and then return to the blog to write some more. I don't remember my intention in posting this tonight. I don't think I had one.

I hear in the back of my head Peter, Paul and Mary singing.
"Lemon Tree very pretty and the lemon flower is sweet. But the fruit of the poor lemon is impossible to eat."

I hear Cat Stevens whispering to me.
"I never wanted to be a star. I never wanted to travel far.

Robert Frost says to me:
Two road diverged in a yellow wood and I, I took the one less traveled by. And that has made all the difference.

Somewhere else I hear a whisper from Johnny Cash, "I walk the line"

Don't we?

Laura Roppe reminds me "To hold on for just one more day"

And so I will.

Sometimes I have something to say. And sometimes I have something to say about nothing.

Much Ado About Nothing

So, a month has gone by and I haven't posted a thing on this blog. I have however blogged my brains out on my work site (if you haven't been there lately- shame on you, click the link to the boutique below!) and added some personal writings on my other two blogs.

I got some fantastic news early this month (and still didn't post). Results from my surgery are in. The margins are clear and the doc is pretty certain nothing spread- meaning no further surgery for a while and no further treatment necessary! Yahoo! Who's ass did I kick this year? Cancers. Hmpf.

Yet, I've still had a troubled month and an overworked, overwhelmed mind. I feel like I'm kind of in a mixed state (meaning rambling thoughts covering a deepening depression) which I am vehemently fighting off. I'm even (shock) looking for a psychiatrist to get my meds adjusted after my many years of banning one. Luckily, this will fall under state funding I am eligible for since I still have no health insurance. I am also returning to a chiropractor (http://www.activeposture.com/) and working on getting some of this pain under control. Of course, with everything I have (including arthritis of the spine) it isn't a cure-all but really, really needed. And I'm hoping to finally have some migraine relief. More on that as it goes...

However, if all goes according to plan it looks as though MB might have FINALLY gotten a job- and one with benefits in 90 days so we'll see how that goes. That all however is another long story and my head is not up for it at all.

My sleep is still totally fucked up but I guess that is just a symptom of so many other things. I have gotten (with help) some really long nights of sleep but afterwards I still don't feel "rested" and I am longing for this fatigue to pass now that I have fully recovered from my surgery and it has been over a year since I was pregnant.

The little ones are getting bigger and more mischievous. They surprise me daily with their antics and make me smile with their love for life.

Business is well, going.

Taxes are getting filed to be followed by finally the BIG filing I don't like to talk about but it has to be done and I want it done now. Like everything else, I wonder where I will fit it all in but I know I will because it must be done.

I am in a state where music moves me, little things are big, and my mind is too fast to curl up with a book.

It is raining. Hard, beautiful rain on a cold pre-Thanksgiving night. The last time it rained, a beautiful rainbow found its way outside our bay window. The two little ones were asleep for their nap but I called over to T to take a look and it moved her in such a way she cried and said she had never seen anything so beautiful. Her breath was taken away by this thing that all children know about and draw but in her five years she had yet to see and really take in. This was the real thing- the full round dark rainbow that only shines here every now and then. We got a great couple pictures and cuddled under the blanket on the couch and turned back to watching Hannah Montana. I'm too tired to upload the picture but I'll try and edit the posting another night.

*Here it is*

So, lots and lots of other news. Lots to say. But being one AM and all and the downpour of rain taunting me- I think I'll go to bed...