He's yelling again.
So am I.
The kids look around and pretend that this isn't happening. Again. The baby begins to cry. Begs to be nursed because when being nursed all is secured.
Why are things this way?
What happened to the love that was felt? Where did it go? Where did we go wrong?
I'm back to a bottle or so of wine a night. I still don't sleep well. I take something. I still hear the baby cry and I comfort him with my breast. I hear my two-year old scream with night terrors and I hold her so she doesn't hurt herself until she gets back to sleep. I can still function. For now.
But what happens on other days? All the times I was suicidal and didn't succeed or wimped out or got caught? So I got smart, I went to the doctor. I upped my medication and started frequenting my psychologist again.
When they took my daddy away I could only think "It should have been me"
Maybe I am a selfish bitch.
I don't want to live in a loveless marriage. I want passion and hope and dreams. I want love for not just me, but my children who deserve the world.
I am a good wife.
I'm a fucking fabulous mother.
I would do anything for this family. And I am.
I pray to God. I argue with him.
I drink some more wine. I pray. I eat ice cream and watch crappy TV and sometimes I cry.
It pulls me. I want passion and kind words and children that are not afraid of yelling and of their mama crying over something they don't understand.
Children should not ever have to suffer from Adult Problems.
My babies are everything to me.
I will become everything they need me to be.
I may need stuff to survive but SO FUCKING WHAT? I will not feel guilty for having endometriosis or fibromyalgia or bipolar disorder. It is who I am and I will take what I need to and talk to whom I have to and I will be a good person and great mom and they will depend on my stability.
I will always be there for them.
I wish we could say the same for eachother.
I don't want to be hurt anymore. I'd rather be alone than put down and unloved. I think, perhaps stupidly, "why would he stay if he didn't love me" and "maybe this is all he knows?" But maybe I just hang on to the hope that this love is meant for me and things will get better and my children will have a good life.
God, I will do anything for my children.
Anything.
Why can't I seem to find the right answer? Or have I?