Ecclesiastes Chapter III

I debated going to bed like I should and drinking a glass of wine and writing. Guess which won? Maybe I am more upset than I should be or maybe I am just so in denial and shock I need to write because that is what gets me going, gets me through. I'm so private and different in my shell but my writing opens me up. I guess only another writer or musician could understand exactly how that works but somehow it works for us.

One thing I really don't talk a lot about is my belief in God, my views on religion, my interpretation of the bible. Sure I will get into a good debate with anyone over anything great and speak my mind, but that's different than talking about it. So sometimes I write about it. Not so much directly, but as a writer. Which I guess is one of the things God intended or at least enabled me to do, to become.

And so, as I have done before from so many other writers, I quote:

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck
up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build
up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?
I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men
to be exercised in it.
He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end. I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life. And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the
good of all his labour, it is the gift of God. I know that, whatsoever God doeth, it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing taken from it: and God doeth it, that men should fear before him.
That which hath been is now; and that which is to be hath already been; and God requireth that which is past. And moreover I saw under the sun the place of judgment, that wickedness was there; and the place of righteousness, that iniquity was there. I said in mine heart, God shall judge the righteous and the wicked: for
there is a time there for every purpose and for every work. I said in mine heart concerning the estate of the sons of men, that God might manifest them, and that they might see that they themselves are beasts. For that which befalleth the sons of men befalleth beasts; even one thing befalleth them:
as the one dieth, so dieth the other; yea, they have all one breath; so that
a man hath no preeminence above a beast: for all is vanity. All go unto one place; all are of the dust, and all turn to dust again. Who knoweth the spirit of man that goeth upward, and the spirit of the beast that goeth downward to the earth?
Wherefore I perceive that there is nothing better, than that a man should
rejoice in his own works; for that is his portion: for who shall bring
him to see what shall be after him?

And so I end quote.

What now, what next in our life to look upon to make us stronger to form our
being? Seems so silly to wonder why when there never is a why to the way- or so it
has always seemed to me.I believe in things we can't see. Sometimes its good things and sometimes it is not. Sometimes we only see what we want and sometimes there are things we cannot see.(side note- why can't I fucking unblock the font? Stupid smarter computer. Or did I unblock it? Hmmm... Anyway.)

I am a little angry tonight. A little pissed off. A lot sad. Even more so in shock. And I feel- get this- ashamed for having these feelings.

I had my biopsy today and things were worse than anticipated and so in one week from today I'm going to go to the hospital and have my entire cervix remove. Press Delete Here.

I feel guilty because things were worse and maybe a little on the bad side (to me at least) but not bad in comparison to the possibilities. I feel guilty because so many people have much worse news and actually have something to be sad about. I spent the earlier half of the day rejoicing and thinking "oh is that all?" In some sort of stupor, denial, drunken-off-news-state-of-being.

1. It's just pre-cancerous cells, otherwise known only as Stage 0 Cancer. Get that 0 there? 0.

2. It's just my cervix- I am thirty-one, married, and have three beautiful and perfectly healthy children. I don't need any more. Was not planning on having anymore.

3. Thank you God for giving me Little D so much sooner than anticipated. I could have missed out on such a beautiful thing if we would have waited as we were trying to. See you really do know what is best. What is to come. And why we deal with it when we do.

Which then later turned to

4. Omigodyouareremovingmywhatandwhy and how exactly does that work?

5. Um, Insurance please?

and finally

6. (Pearl Jam/Drum roll here) I'm still alive.

And I will see my children get older and wiser and bigger than me so what do I have to complain about? Take the damn thing. I don't need it anymore. If I was not trying to run, you know, a business and all and like, I didn't have three young children I would encourage you to take the other half (the Uterus) with it now instead of later.

The doctor held my hand and acknowledged this was scary and his eyes promised he would take care of me and I lightly skirted around the real subject and started asking every question but. I danced on home (well, limped a little the biopsy fucking hurt and yes it still hurts why am I sitting in this chair- eat and go to bed already). I went through my night. I eventually let things sink in and then I got slightly angry. And so the story goes and so here I am. And here I go. Off to eat. To bed. To cuddle with two or three of my offspring while I pray I sleep through the cramping and try not to think about what Monday brings. For there is a time and a purpose and I have to believe that and so I do.