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Friday, March 14, 2008

And She Was

They told me she was fucking crazy.

Off the hook. I didn't really believe them though because I do not really think they even know what crazy is. She needed help. A lot of help. People here, people there and I needed to be strong during all this. I was tired of people telling me things. Yet I kept asking.

I walked there. It was cold. The sun was out earlier but the cold ripped through me, making me want to walk faster but never warming up. It made my nose run and my lips chap. After a sniffle and reapplication of my Laura Mercier Lip Gloss Glace I felt almost a little better. I buttoned up my jacket and kept walking.

Maybe I should have worn socks like he told me to.

But I didn't want to wear fucking socks. I hate socks. I don't wear them unless its early morning and the wood floors beg my Karen Kane fuzzy socks to call my name. Otherwise, I just have a drawer full that I use to take up space so I have an excuse for more clutter or something.

I think I left the kids at home with a sitter. I rarely did that and it seemed very unreal. What if I didn't? What if I just left them home? What if I didn't even really have kids? Or what if the sitter was an incompetent shit? Or abused the kids? OR what if it went well and everyone had a good time? I knew nothing about that.

Why didn't I drive my car?

I think I was drinking. White wine. Australian with a bite? Or old fashioned Chardonnay? Maybe I had a little of both. I was getting very confused. I pulled my jacket tighter in the wind.

They told me she was totally crazy.

I really wish I had straightened my hair. My hair was frizzing in an unusual way due to the weather. The kind of hair that looks great peeking out from under my beanie, all wild and curly but just looked funny and poofy when I took the hat off. I closed my eyes for a minute and felt like I was back home. Things spun a little and I felt pale.

I opened my eyes and looked around. Where the hell was I going again? I think I need my car. Heater, defroster, you know.... seats. Maybe I would go back. I started to turn around.

I was still in my driveway.

Something was not quite right but I couldn't put my finger on it. Maybe it was the chill. I needed something from the house but did not want to disturb the little ones inside. Or the sitter.

Did I have a sitter?

I think I did. I think I knew her from somewhere in the past. An old teacher walks by with his dog and I notice his familiarity after a few minutes of talking about dogs and children and the Ranch. He remembered me too with a laugh.

"Trouble! Hope I wasn't too hard on you! Good to see you turned out well."

I looked around. Me? I nodded and smiled and made some more short conversations before saying good-bye. Turned out well? If he only knew.

I dream at night. I dream about kissing and hockey sticks and getting lost in my own backyard. I wake up sweating. Crying. Confused.

But right now I was cold. Too cold for the weather here. Something was wrong. Springtime was here. Maybe it was going to rain. That's it. Explains the pains in my legs. Oh how they ached. Especially when it rained. Or maybe it was from the walk. No, I don't think I got very far. God things fucking hurt. Why was that?

SUCK IT UP.

Keep going. Okay- car, walk? I had some sort of keys in the pocket of my new but used jacket. It was warm but thin and worn. But the kind that never went out of style. And it fit me like a glove and asked for compliments when worn out. Looooved it.

Crazy is as crazy does.

Do I know her?

I got into the car, turned on the heater and wished it was in my garage. Vvvroom Vvvroom. I love loud engines, big cars and Fords. I popped a pill. Maybe if I put my head back for a minute and rested... No, not in the car. "Normal" people don't do that. Okay. Hands on the wheel.

I totally forgot where I was going.

At first. Then I remembered. I got out of the car, which was still cold anyway, walked into the garage and shut the door hoping it wasn't as loud as it sounded in my head. I sat on the floor. It was dirty. About a glass of wine remained in the bottle and I drank it. Followed by a cool bottle of water. Things were becoming clearer.

I went inside quietly and put on my prettiest pair of pajamas. I weighed myself. Almost, I thought, almost. I threw on my un-sexiest robe made from the same material as baby blankets along with my cool socks. Okay, at least my nightgown was pretty. I took off my hat and convinced my hair to get into a ponytail.

I broke out a big dish of cookies and cream ice cream and another bottle of water. I watched some meaningless TV and tried to forget about what was going on.

But I could not.

I finished my ice cream, took another pill and got into my cool bed with lots of blankets. No one was there yet. They told me she was totally crazy but they didn't even know her. I can't remember if I met her tonight. It seemed like a sick memory that made my stomach turn in the way you aren't sure if you need to get up and run or roll on your other side and pray.

Pray.

I pray a lot lately. I started praying a lot a little over a year ago. Sometimes I don't pray. Sometimes I yell at God. I get mad at him. Sure I thank him every day for this and that and the kids and I say our Serenity Prayer at night. But after that and when I am alone I talk to him and it is not always nice.

Make me understand. I want to see more. I want to know more. What am I supposed to be learning? And what was your point here? I'm angry at you God. I'm angry at me and life and being confused.

They told me she was crazy but they didn't know the first thing about her.

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