On Parenting

So, it took me over ten minutes of bawling my eyes out (I am sensitive lately and haven't been sleeping so maybe that's why, maybe I was just moved) to figure out where to place this journal entry. Is this something for here, a story? Or me talking, for my LJ? I decided since there is a moral I'll talk about it here.

I was coming home from the store, listening to Dr. Laura as usual during the time frame of 12 and 3. I was debating whether to take my sick kids on more errands while they slept in the car and hoped I didn't fall asleep at the wheel, to go home and shower and relax do some laundry, or more work stuff. Then the commercial ended and Dr. Laura read a letter that related to a caller yesterday that I did not hear. The story moved me in such a way I had to run to my computer and write.

As soon as I figured out where anyway.

So, Dr. Laura has a new book I want to read (along with how many other books on my list right?) "Stop Whining, Start Living" and she said this letter summed it up nicely. So I turned the radio up and listened.

The short version of the story is about a lady who found out early in her pregancy her baby had something wrong and would not be able to live. The baby could die any day or even be born and live for a few days to weeks but no longer. The lady and her husband decided to keep the pregnancy regardless.

She named the baby.

Got ultrasounds and watched the little one grow.

She wore her maternity clothes and talked about her little boy.

Even had some layette clothing just in case I assume.

Each day she ate well and acted, well, pregnant.

She didn't do what I would have, which is for sure suck up some strong anti-psychotics, valium, alcohol or any other pain numbers. How about some cigarettes? Hey, my first baby is DYING!!!

Nope, knowing NO MATTER WHAT SHE DID this baby would die, she went through her whole pregnancy just like the rest of us doing the things she was supposed to and talking about her baby and bonding.

Her little boy was born and on his one week birthday they celebrated with a cake. On his three week birthday he passed away. I got from the letter she now has a beautiful healthy little girl.

I know of three other people who lost their babies in utero. No heartbeat at some point in the third trimester. Not exactly like this story but similar in that they labored and delivered a known stillborn baby that they went on to name, take a picture of, and mourn. I know at least two of them were followed by normal healthy pregnancies and the other one I think had twins after (she was a friend of a friend and I don't remember all the details but there was a baby after).

My cousin had her third baby boy and just after birth found out he was dying. He only made it eight hours. She too eventually went on and had a fourth, healthy as could be, boy.

We think we are going through so much and we ask why. Why me? Why now? What am I going to learn from this? Why do I want or need to be any damn stronger? God is tricky, right?

Losing ourself is bad and hard and wrong and we need to do what we can to make things right.

But, sometimes, we lose our children and there is absolutely NOTHING we could have done differently.

Somedays we need to reflect on our life and see if we are doing everything selflessly for our children. And that is parenting. That does mean taking care of ourselves, I am not discounting that in anyway. But sometimes it is easy to look at our wants and needs and what makes us feel good. We have to remember that they depend on us in every single way. They couldn't survive without us for the most part. And if things are not going according to plan, we don't flush them away.